Today was the day I moved almost all of my things back to Gothenburg. It was much harder than I had anticipated which has resulted in me being on one, crazy emotional roller coaster all day today. Read on to hear all about it.
Moral of the story: Jesus is the man pushing the wheelbarrow and we are the man he points to in the crowd. Putting it in this frame of mind really gets you thinking, well at least it does for me. Would you jump in the wheelbarrow? Would you trust Jesus enough to push you 11,000 feet standing on a 3 inch rope over Niagara Falls? It’s a tough question to answer if we are being honest ...
Today friends, I got in the wheelbarrow. Now I’m not saying that I let Jesus push me across the falls on that tiny little rope, but I did get in the wheelbarrow.
My parents came to Denver Saturday night with my dad’s truck, a trailer and their working boots. Sunday morning we woke up and started shoving as much of my stuff in the trailer as we could. I had packed a few boxes here and there throughout the week, nothing too intense as working three jobs doesn’t leave for a whole lot of free time at the end of the day. But I had gone through my closet, my desk and a few other places in my room and boxed up some of my belongings. Since I hadn’t packed a whole lot it meant that I spent Sunday morning blazing through my room, throwing, folding and trashing as much stuff as I could go through. About halfway through, it hit me. I’m actually leaving Colorado. I’m leaving behind so much of what I have come to know and love. This state & season of my life have taught me much more than I could have ever imagined. So that was it, today marked the day that I start slowly but surely closing the door on the life I have lived (and loved) for the last year a half.
I was just folding up my comforter and putting it into one of those vacuum storage bags when tears welled up in the corner of my eyes. It was one of those moments where I wanted SO badly not to cry, but the more I thought about not crying the more I just wanted to lie on the floor and start sobbing. I started thinking about all that I have walked through, stumbled through and struggled through during my time here in Colorado; and how those days have molded me and changed me in ways I am now thankful for. When I first moved out here in July of 2012 I was just a ‘baby’ Christian. A few months earlier, in April, I had recommitted my life to Christ through baptism and I was still on cloud nine with the Lord; standing oblivious to the fact that reality was just around the corner and that not every season of life is a mountain top experience. Then I got to Colorado, and I didn’t have my CSF family or my Overflow friends to keep my accountable. I didn’t have a church to go to when I needed to be Spirit fed. I knew next to no one and was starting school at a private university that I knew hardly anything about.
Being in Colorado, away from my family, my friends and my church has been extremely difficult. I’ve had weeks, even months, out here where I have been really angry at God. There are times when I’ve felt like giving up, moving home, finding a job and forgetting about grad school. There were many days when I stood and questioned the Lord because all I wanted to do was go to Uganda. I fell into temptation over and over again. I gave into things I vowed not to do again until I was married. I spent a few too many Friday and Saturday nights downtown. I was selfish and lost sight of who I am in Christ. But through it all I have been remolded, reshaped and prepared for what is to come.
As I sat in my room packing my things today – crying through most of it – I thought about all of the awesome people I have met out here and the countless memories I have made with people I now consider dear friends. I thought about how much I loved my house and the girls I lived with. I thought about all the mornings Daysha and I cooked breakfast together, and then sat quietly at the table with the Lord reading through our devotionals and listening to our favorite Jesus music. I thought about all the “things” that I held so close to my heart. Then I realized that they are all just “things.” Things that the Lord has given me and things he can take away as He so desires.
What hurts the most is not knowing when I will be back in Colorado. It hurts not knowing when I will get to talk life while sipping tea with two of my dearest friends. It hurts not knowing if I will ever be able to climb 14ers or go snowboarding again. It hurts not knowing when I will get to worship with my church family again. It all just kind of hurts. Not kind of. It really hurts. Though I was overcome by all of these thoughts I heard the Lord whisper the same thing He whispered to me a few nights ago. “Just let me show you.” He loves me, He really does … and I know he does. And this whole journey is such an answer to prayer, but I was so focused on the end of the journey I overlooked the stepping stones I have to cross to get there.
Some people say, “It is so awesome that you chose to go to Uganda,” or “I think it’s so cool that you have decided to spend part of your younger years in a third world country.” Here is a little secret for you all: I did not choose this. It was never in the plans I had for my life. When I was little I never dreamed of being a missionary. Even through college I never once thought about spending time overseas, it just wasn’t appealing to me whatsoever. I want all of you to know that this is absolutely God ordained and I have done nothing except trust Him as best I can and get in the wheelbarrow. The day He steps out onto that tightrope will probably be even harder and more emotional than today was. Walking that 11,000 feet over the Falls will most likely be one of the most trying seasons of life with the Lord. But I know when I get to the other side of that tightrope with Him He will have great rewards for me. All it takes is a little bit of trust and whole lot of faith in our Savior.
I have asked the Lord that he would reveal your ‘wheelbarrow’ to you. That he would remind you what true, genuine and authentic trust in Him looks like. I have asked Him to remind you how much better life will be once we all get in the wheelbarrow. I have asked Him to open your heart, to fill it with His spirit and to remove any anxieties or fears you may have. And now He is simply asking you to trust Him; to trust that He will get you to you the other end of the tightrope safely.
Is the Lord asking you to get in a wheelbarrow today? And more importantly … are you going to listen to Him?
I’m going to finish this blog with a prayer request. As I walked through today I realized how hard it is going to be for me to leave Colorado and the life I have created here. I have also been dreading the day that I say my final farewells to my family. As I slowly start climbing into my wheelbarrow I would greatly appreciate prayers for this. Anyone who knows me knows that I am embarrassingly terrible at saying goodbye for long periods of time to the people I love. Prayers for my heart as I start leaving behind those I love would be extremely helpful.
I love you guys. Thanks so much for listening. It really means a lot.
Standing on His promises,
-V
Joshua 1:9