A blog about the things I’ve been wrestling with lately. Plus, a look at the FUEL retreat and His healing powers. Apologizing in advance for the length, but know as I write I am processing, understanding and working through what the Lord has for me in this season of my life.
I have greeted His divine interventions with an ungrateful heart and hesitation to truly change my character. I have viewed His answers to my prayers as inconveniences, hurdles I have to jump to get to my destination. I have complained, had a selfish attitude and an unwilling heart. I had great intentions, but I was stuck in my own ways and reluctant to let the Lord work in my human heart. He has given me opportunities to grow in my faith and experience His holy spirit in ways I’ve never seen it and I still declined His invitation.
Example #1: FUEL Retreat.
As a 20-something living in the Denver area I am involved in the young adult ministry at my church called FUEL. Recently, FUEL had their 3rd annual FUEL Retreat at Crooked Creek Ranch (near Winter Park) to escape reality, spend time with the Lord and build community. I went on the retreat last year and had an extremely good time; this year though, I was very hesitant to go. I wanted to go but I didn’t feel a strong desire to sign up. Little did I know, the Lord had something much bigger in store for me.
As time went on and my fellow FUELers were asking if I was going on the retreat I would shrug my shoulders and make up sort of excuse. My go-to excuse was, “Oh, I just can’t afford it right now.” I felt it would be smarter for me to slip a $100 dollar bill in my Uganda jar than to spend the money going on a mini-vacation. There was an opportunity to serve throughout the weekend on ‘work crew’ which meant I would go up to Crooked Creek for free, but I hadn’t made the retreat a priority and all of the work crew positions had been filled when I finally decided to email Jess (our FUEL leader).
Later in the week I had a dear friend offer to pay for my registration fee.I was blown away, I thanked the Lord for people who listened to His call to be financially faithful. Regardless the gift, I was too stinkin’ prideful and had a hard time accepting her kind offer. After much persuasion I finally gave in but didn’t feel as though my heart was 100% committed yet. Before I could even say “Thank you, Jesus” I saw a new email from Jess in my inbox; a spot on work-crew had opened up and it was mine if I wanted it. Crazy, right? Oh, and did I mention this all happened a few hours before registration closed for the retreat. Regardless how much I tried to fight my way out of going to the retreat, the Lord had much more planned than I could have ever anticipated …
After everyone checked-in and unpacked we headed to our first session of the Solider2013 Retreat. The message and worship was awesome. Andrew Matrone (Red Rocks Youth Pastor) spoke and Matt and Bonne Greene from Rockford, Illinois came out and led worship for the weekend. Despite how well things were going, I still didn’t feel as though my heart was 100% committed to the weekend and what the Lord had in store for me. Friday night I went to bed with a heavy heart and I spent some time in prayer asking the Lord for “my moment.” I wanted, I needed Him to reveal himself to me in a big way. A way that would confirm I was “suppose” to be at the retreat. I had no idea what it would be, when it would happen or what it would look like; I just told the Lord that I needed something, a moment, to reawaken my heart. (Side note: Why do we always test the Lord? Maybe it’s just me. But why can’t I just believe that He is good, all the time, and that His provision on my life is better than my own worldly desires….) Saturday started with a devotional hike, and afterward I spent some time socializing and met some incredibly, awesome new people. Saturday afternoon was designated for our breakout sessions, and after attending a session led by a very dear friend and mentor I still hadn’t had my “moment.” At this point I was feeling sort of … discouraged. The weekend was halfway over and I still felt an uneasiness in my heart. I hadn’t had “my moment” yet, I told myself that maybe it wasn’t my weekend for a moment and headed to work crew to get dinner ready.
Chad Bruegman, the teaching pastor of our church, gave the message during our Saturday night session. I always love hearing Chad talk and look forward to his comical comments throughout his sermons. Chad’s message touched on discipleship, our perfection in the Lord’s image, and ‘better vs. fun’ in our walks with Christ. About halfway through his sermon, I knew it, “my moment” was coming. Chad began talking about crucifixion, not Jesus on the cross, but crucifixion in our own lives. He talked about crucifying our selfish ways in order to receive and “have room for” the Lord’s joy. I wish I could explain the depth of Chad’s message and the presence of the Holy Spirit in that room Saturday night.
Chad explained that by holding onto these cheap, substitutes of joy that we have found we are preventing ourselves from experiencing the full presence of God in our hearts. Chad went on to say that there is a degree of joy we are all missing out on, we must make room for the Lord in our heart; he closed out his sermon with one of the most powerful statements I have heard in a long time, “There is no greater joy than when you allow the Lord our God to crucify you.” We all had the opportunity to crucify whatever it was in our lives that was holding us back from experiencing the Lord’s joy. There was a coffin sitting at the front of the room, where we would put to death the pieces of our lives that we needed to let go of, to have a funeral for the parts of our heart that were not glorifying our Heavenly Father.
I knew exactly what mine was and as worship began I walked to the back of the room to have some time alone with the Lord to pray through this process. I fell to my knees and began to cry. I was so ashamed of how much of my heart this “idol” had. I had failed to acknowledge the fact that my idol was holding me back from what the Lord had planned for me, it was taking up so much room in my heart that I wasn’t fully able to experience the Lord’s love. As worship continued I struggled to see through my tears as I wrote down the pieces (yes, plural) of my life I was ready to crucify. I have never felt the Spirit so alive in my heart before. As I walked up to the stage, I crumbled up my piece of paper and threw it in the coffin, put to death pieces of my heart I had for so long held on to and walked away trusting the Lord to heal my broken heart. I returned to my spot in the back of the room and began to weep. I knew that this idol in my life had been extremely damaging and destructive, but I never knew it would be so hard to let go of. Worship ended and I joined a few good friends in prayer over the healing that had happened in so many of our lives, our heart ache and for revival in our hearts.
Needless to say, If I would have continued to say, “No, not right now,” to the Lord my heart would not have experienced the healing I had for so long searched for in selfish, cheap substitutes. If I would have continued to find excuses to not sign up for the retreat, I would not have had such a special moment of spiritual intimacy with the Lord during worship. If I would have continued to complain and keep the Lord at arm’s length instead of surrendering, I wouldn’t have been able to experience His healing, unconditional love and the power of worship that night.
Because of the length of this blog, I will save my other examples for a later time. (Sorry I was not intending on it being this long!) But before I go, I want to leave you with a couple of things. Think about all of the times we have had the Lord ‘push pause’ for us so we can continue to do what we’re comfortable doing, or until the time is more convenient for us. Isn’t it ironic that as humans we can be so hesitant to fully trust and rely on the Lord yet still complain about how we haven’t found our “calling” or our “purpose” yet. Know that the Lord isn’t going to send you into a battle you aren’t prepared for, but also know that just as any soldier in His army, we must train, go through trials, lose a couple races, and mentally prepare for our deployment so that we may become more like our Commander. I pray that you trust the Lord and His plans for your life as you walk with Him. I pray that you align your heart with His so you can find your purpose and discover His plans for your life. Even though we kick and scream and often times complain about our circumstances, the Lord is using each and every one of them to prepare us for something. What is he preparing you for?
Blessings,
-V
Joshua 1:9
Last thing. During my breakout session at the retreat-which was on having a renewed mind-we all had the opportunity to sit, listen to the Lord, and reflect on the session. The following is what I felt the Lord telling me through that quiet time. I am sharing this because maybe it’s something you need to hear. Maybe you need to have your own funeral -or funerals- in your life. Don’t be scared to let go, friends. He will walk with us.
“I know, Victoria (insert your own name). I know. I’ve got you. I’ve got it covered. I rescued you. You are mine. I am not taking you back to a place of captivity but I am offering and giving you life & freedom. It’s yours. Do you want it? Do you really GENUINELY want it? I’m offering it and you’re letting “things” get in the way. Stop it. A long time ago a very expensive price was paid. Take it. It’s yours. You are mine. Let go and come with me … Love -Your Dad.”