Sometimes I feel like I can be more of a barrier for the Lord than a doorway. Read on to hear about how my heart has changed and I am more willing to work selflessly for the Lord.
When I came to Uganda I told myself, and many of you, that I didn’t have any expectations during my time here. I wanted to come in with an open mind and an open heart to whatever the Lord had planned for me. After being here for a few weeks I realize that I selfishly did have some hidden expectations. When we hear about people going to Africa we always hear about the crazy, radical things that the Lord has done; which is awesome because our God does do crazy, radical things to build the Kingdom but I was expecting to see those things the second I got off the plane.
I don’t want to make it sound like I haven’t experienced the Lord here or that He hasn’t performed miracles since I’ve came because He totally has. My friend Mattias had a very severe rope burn on his ankle healed. My friend Kennedy who cannot hear spoke his first word to us this week during our time in Bakka. The women in the prison are opening up to us and asking very intellectual questions. I’m just saying that sometimes I feel like I have expected to see the Lord in a certain way, or expected Him to show up in a specific way and when He hasn’t shown up how I thought He should I feel almost a sense of disappointment. It’s a very strange feeling and extremely hard to explain.
We decided as an intern team that we would spend Sunday nights together just praying and worshipping to unite ourselves on a deeper spiritual level. During this time is when I realized what the Lord was really trying to reveal to me through these feelings and hidden expectations. It’s always the most simple answer you know, all I needed to do was just spend some time in solitude with Him so He could talk to me. As if time spent in prayer wasn’t enough, I opened my devotional and Oswald Chambers explained it perfectly.
The phrase that hit me was this: “Have I been persecuting Jesus by a zealous determination to serve Him in my own way?” Wow. Speechless. That statement says it perfectly. Like I said earlier, I have almost been more of a barrier for the Lord instead of a doorway into the hearts of others. Praise God that I have an amazing team of interns here to help me process and work through these feelings with. I can’t say this enough, it’s not that I don’t believe in His almighty power and His heart to change this country, I’m just saying that I’m making it a lot harder for Him than it needs to be.
Each day I go out into the villages I literally have to say to myself, “Okay, I’m crucifying all of my expectations and wants. I am not on a pursuit to serve the Lord in my own way, but in His way.” I have to remind myself that this is the Lord’s work, not mine. Yes, He has given me an absolutely amazing opportunity to be a part of His work … But that doesn’t mean I get to tell Him what I want to see. He simply just gets to show me and I am here to experience all of His divine surprises.
Until next time,
-V
Psalm 61