Not sure what to title this one ...
For three weeks now, I spend hours upon hours laying in bed at night just thinking. Thinking about my life, about where I’m going, where I have come from, about Uganda, about Royal Family, about my future and all of the unknowns in my life right now. Then my thinking turns into worry, and my worries turn into stress and the sleepless nights continue.
I lay there for hours thinking about Baby Gabriel and how he is doing. Is he walking on his own yet? Is anyone visiting his Mama Juliet and praying with her? I think about Chris, Henry and the rest of the family. Are they in school this term? Was Jaja’s heath restored? Is Mama Florence making any money at the market? I just sit there and think. Then I get out my phone and look at my pictures from Uganda thinking it will help, but it only makes it worse.
I lay there in bed, trying to fall asleep, with thousands of thoughts racing around in my mind like a whirlwind. As I lay there I pray and pray and pray some more. I pray for all of my friends in Uganda in hopes of alleviating my worries. I pray for all the kids at Royal Family Camp in an effort to blur out the circumstances I know many of them are living in. I pray for a job. I pray for my family. But as I pray, I feel like I’m just creating this extremely long list for the Lord to read instead of really communicating with Him and encountering His presence.
But at the same time, like, I just want to know. I just want to know why I can’t sleep and why all of these thoughts keep me up at night. Is there a reason behind it all? I want the answers. I want to know where I’m supposed to be. I want to know where I should invest my time and who I should build relationships with. I want to know when I’m going back to Uganda and if I should pursue full-time work here in the states. I just want to know! I want my questions answered.
I think of all my options and things I could be doing while I sit here sleep deprived and waiting. I could move back out to Colorado, settle down, find a job and conquer more of those beautiful 14ers. I could continue living at home with my parents trying to figure out my life. I could start dating again, possibly meet Mr. Right, and maybe even start a family. I could start fundraising and go back to Uganda ASAP, which is really the only thing that makes sense right now. I could start talking to Royal Family Kids, Inc. about my dream to have my very own RFKC one day. I could do a lot of things … But it’s not about what I could be doing, it’s about discovering what the Lord REALLY wants me to do.
I know that regardless of what I choose to do, the Lord will use me. He will use me to build His Kingdom. He will use me to influence people to be the difference and to live life on purpose. He will continue breaking down the walls in my heart to be more of who He intended me to be. He will use me, I know that. But to me there is a difference in allowing the Lord to use me wherever I am and pursuing His perfect plan for my life. I feel that when we pursue His will, His good and perfect plans for us, we can walk with Him into the things He has intentionally set before us. We can bring to life exactly what He has called us to. That's what I want; I want to walk with authority into the life that He has waiting for me. I want to walk with confidence towards the dreams He has set before me. I want that. Wherever it may take me, I want to walk in His authority, to walk in His presence towards that very thing He has waiting for me.
I’ve had a song on repeat lately and the chorus says perfectly what I am trying to explain ...
“I'd give up the world to find my soul
Pour out my life, give You control
I just want to be what You want me to be
I just want a heart that's true … A heart like You”
[Heart Like You, Love & The Outcome]
I just want to be what You want me to be. This week that has been and will continue to be my heart’s cry to Jesus, to my Savior and to my Father. I want to be whatever You want me to be, Lord. I know I am passionate and radical about the things I am because you made me that way, you put those desires and passions in my heart for a reason. Now I sit and wait in obedience as you reveal my steps to me … A light unto my path Lord, light my path and lead me.
About a week ago, the Lord spoke to me. He said “Victoria, I have dreams for you, dreams for you to conquer that you don’t even know exist.” Wow, dreams for me that I don’t even know exist. What a promise. I sat in that moment and for a brief second I let go of all those things that keep me up at night, I let go of all the worries and stress, and I believed Him.
Here is to believing and allowing the Lord to light up our paths one step at a time.
Psalm 119:105
Thanks for listening, friends. Maybe I’ll finally be able to sleep tonight!
-Nakalema
PS: I’ve recently developed a liking for the band “Love & The Outcome.” Check out one of their songs that has really spoken life into my heart this last week. Maybe the lyrics will fill your spirit the way it fills mine and give you a little motivation to finish this week.
I lay there for hours thinking about Baby Gabriel and how he is doing. Is he walking on his own yet? Is anyone visiting his Mama Juliet and praying with her? I think about Chris, Henry and the rest of the family. Are they in school this term? Was Jaja’s heath restored? Is Mama Florence making any money at the market? I just sit there and think. Then I get out my phone and look at my pictures from Uganda thinking it will help, but it only makes it worse.
I lay there in bed, trying to fall asleep, with thousands of thoughts racing around in my mind like a whirlwind. As I lay there I pray and pray and pray some more. I pray for all of my friends in Uganda in hopes of alleviating my worries. I pray for all the kids at Royal Family Camp in an effort to blur out the circumstances I know many of them are living in. I pray for a job. I pray for my family. But as I pray, I feel like I’m just creating this extremely long list for the Lord to read instead of really communicating with Him and encountering His presence.
But at the same time, like, I just want to know. I just want to know why I can’t sleep and why all of these thoughts keep me up at night. Is there a reason behind it all? I want the answers. I want to know where I’m supposed to be. I want to know where I should invest my time and who I should build relationships with. I want to know when I’m going back to Uganda and if I should pursue full-time work here in the states. I just want to know! I want my questions answered.
I think of all my options and things I could be doing while I sit here sleep deprived and waiting. I could move back out to Colorado, settle down, find a job and conquer more of those beautiful 14ers. I could continue living at home with my parents trying to figure out my life. I could start dating again, possibly meet Mr. Right, and maybe even start a family. I could start fundraising and go back to Uganda ASAP, which is really the only thing that makes sense right now. I could start talking to Royal Family Kids, Inc. about my dream to have my very own RFKC one day. I could do a lot of things … But it’s not about what I could be doing, it’s about discovering what the Lord REALLY wants me to do.
I know that regardless of what I choose to do, the Lord will use me. He will use me to build His Kingdom. He will use me to influence people to be the difference and to live life on purpose. He will continue breaking down the walls in my heart to be more of who He intended me to be. He will use me, I know that. But to me there is a difference in allowing the Lord to use me wherever I am and pursuing His perfect plan for my life. I feel that when we pursue His will, His good and perfect plans for us, we can walk with Him into the things He has intentionally set before us. We can bring to life exactly what He has called us to. That's what I want; I want to walk with authority into the life that He has waiting for me. I want to walk with confidence towards the dreams He has set before me. I want that. Wherever it may take me, I want to walk in His authority, to walk in His presence towards that very thing He has waiting for me.
I’ve had a song on repeat lately and the chorus says perfectly what I am trying to explain ...
“I'd give up the world to find my soul
Pour out my life, give You control
I just want to be what You want me to be
I just want a heart that's true … A heart like You”
[Heart Like You, Love & The Outcome]
I just want to be what You want me to be. This week that has been and will continue to be my heart’s cry to Jesus, to my Savior and to my Father. I want to be whatever You want me to be, Lord. I know I am passionate and radical about the things I am because you made me that way, you put those desires and passions in my heart for a reason. Now I sit and wait in obedience as you reveal my steps to me … A light unto my path Lord, light my path and lead me.
About a week ago, the Lord spoke to me. He said “Victoria, I have dreams for you, dreams for you to conquer that you don’t even know exist.” Wow, dreams for me that I don’t even know exist. What a promise. I sat in that moment and for a brief second I let go of all those things that keep me up at night, I let go of all the worries and stress, and I believed Him.
Here is to believing and allowing the Lord to light up our paths one step at a time.
Psalm 119:105
Thanks for listening, friends. Maybe I’ll finally be able to sleep tonight!
-Nakalema
PS: I’ve recently developed a liking for the band “Love & The Outcome.” Check out one of their songs that has really spoken life into my heart this last week. Maybe the lyrics will fill your spirit the way it fills mine and give you a little motivation to finish this week.